BabyNoob’s birthstory

Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #11 “Is there something hanging between my crotch!”

I know what you are thinking; “Didn’t your wife have a baby already?” The answer is yes! Today we celebrate four weeks of parenthood. Pretty much the best month of my life.

That being said, I wanted to post the last one liner I heard from my wife while she was pregnant. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially the last one where my wife told me; “I can’t wait for my bladder to break. Oops! I mean my water to break.”

Alright. Here we go. I can’t begin to tell you how many people have asked us to spill the beans on the delivery. The funny thing is none of these people who asked me are male. As a DaddyNoob, I completely understand. Nonetheless, there is a story to be told, and why not tell it to the world. Yes, I have the consent of MommyNoob. 

Since I typically end up writing most of my posts late at night; like some zombie father. I apologize in advance if something doesn’t make sense. Okay? Good.

The night before BabyNoob showed up, my wife is in full nesting mode. Crazy random cleaning and such. I think I was in resting mode. Ha. Around nine that night she gently   said; “Babe, I think you should start timing.” I was in the other room (my design dojo) working on freelance work. Of course I ran out of the room and asked a bajillion times if she was for reals. That’s when the contractions began. They were over eight minutes apart and not very long. We were ecstatic. See the picture below of my wife right after she told me the news.

We waited about a hour before we called our Doula to inform her. She told us to get some sleep and keep her posted. Sleep was a good idea, but there was no way I was going to sleep. I had too much to do. Ha. I went to bed around 1am that night, and definitely slept better than my wife as she had minor contractions throughout the night. Around 7am they got more intense, or at least we thought they were intense then. Ha. Our Doula came over just before 10am and by then they were around three minutes apart. It was a gorgeous day outside, so we decided to go for a walk around the pond across our street. Walking sure does help and for my wife it was exactly what she needed to move the process forward. After thirty minutes of trying to walk between contractions the process was well underway. They were now ninety seconds apart lasting thirty second. We came home and that’s when MommyNoob’s back pain kicked into full force. The Doula and I tagged teamed massaging and applying pressure to her back during contractions. The ninjanuity of my wife was shown when she found a chair in our house to lean over during her contractions. This was where she stayed for the next three hours and later wished she had this chair at the hospital.

I gazed over to the microwave to reveal the digits; 1:50PM. By this point her pain was crazy and the contractions were well past the necessary waiting period. The Doula and I thought it was time to do this. Boom. We loaded up in the economy car and I drove it like I stole it. My wife was enduring the pain while in the backseat with our Doula, as I weaved in and out of traffic. To add to the element of recklessness, I grabbed my iPhone and snapped some shots of this moment. MommyNoob still had enough awareness to catch me and scold me for my disregard of our personal safety. Including the safety of the baby. 

We entered the hospital anxious and excited. Upon check in, we were escorted to a public waiting room in the Women’s Specialty Unit. I overheard in the commotion that the nurse said that there were no rooms available. Apparently, this was the busiest week of the year for deliveries. Say what! Shut the front door. I rounded the corner to the waiting room, to see six chairs in a space no bigger than our bathroom. And only five of those chairs were available, as a burly man was sitting in one of them. This was the beginning of removing any personal privacy we had. My wife quickly leaned over a chair as she was contracting, while I massaged her back and our Doula coached her along. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, that I was literally inches away from this man. It dawned on me at that moment, that he felt a lot more awkward than I did. The look on his face was priceless. 

Booyah! We got our own room by 3pm. After getting MommyNoob all setup in the room, the Doctor checked in and reported that she was dilated 3cm. It was reassuring for me, but discouraging for her. She wanted to be 7cm along. Over the next couple hours she was in extreme pain from the back labour. She tried some laughing gas and it didn’t go the best for her. The smell was producing the opposite results for her. The Doctor returned at 5:00ish and reported that she was at 4cm. This was heartbreaking for my wife, as the pain was unwavering from the back. After another half hour of bearing it, the nurse suggested some morphine. MommyNoob was very stubborn and didn’t want to do any narcotics, but she agreed to the lowest dosage. Immediately they administered the morphine to her, but within minutes the heart rate of the baby dropped drastically. It is possible it was linked to the morphine, but who knows. All I knew was that things were not looking good. A team of people were in the room accompanied with the Doctor staring at the screen. The suspense was nerve-racking.

The Doctor knew it was time to break her water as they had to do attach an internal heart rate monitor to the baby. After they did that, it took a good ten minutes before the heart rate stabilized. The Doctor reassured me that everything was okay now. Phew! 

MommyNoob was frustrated and tired by this time. She was considering more morphine or even an epidural. The Doctor broke the news to me that they couldn’t administer an epidural to her, as we were not in the right area of the hospital. Since the hospital was so busy, we ended up in a patient care room, rather than a delivery room. Long story. I had to man up and tell my wife that there was no way she could get an epidural. She was not happy. Oh no. I tried the bait and switch move, and asked her if she needed to use the washroom. Hoping to get her mind off the lack of medication options. It worked. She got off the bed, stood up, and said; “Is there something hanging between my crotch?” I bursted out laughing. The doula was more gracious than I was by answering her; “Yes, it is the internal heart rate wire.” The doula and I thought this was the quote of the day… Oh man…

As the nurse took my wife to the bathroom, I stood just outside the door and took a breather. I was mentally preparing myself for another ten hours of this. It was the moment when a soldier has to say to himself; you got this, keep fighting. It was then that I heard a sound so unnatural to the sterile hospital surroundings. In the words of my wife; “It was as if I wildebeest took over my body and screamed from deep within me.” As for me, I was concerned that my wife was a mutant sent to kill me. I dashed into the bathroom to find the nurse yelling at her to get back to the bed now!  

It was happening. The baby was coming now! MommyNoob got back to the bed just in time. Three contractions later, with the assistance of the doctors, I heard my son cry for the very first time. Boom. Only eleven minutes of pushing and BabyNoob felt like he was shot out of a canon into the world of awesomeness. I was able to cut the cord (even though I had to do it twice, as I was not expecting it to be as tough. Ha.) and my wife was able to stay very close to her birth plan.

BabyNoob was a rockstar, and he didn’t want to wait to enter our arms. My wife went from 4cm to baby born in just over an hour. It was cray cray, but in the best of ways. 

There you have it. That’s our story of how BabyNoob was born.

DaddyNoob

————————————————————————————————————

Hey, if you got some time; follow my Facebook Fanpage. It will make you a better parent. I think.

October 26, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #10 “I can’t wait for my bladder to break. Oops! I mean my water to break.” Enjoy another post about the one liners I hear from my pregnant wife. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially last one where my wife told me; “Watch out babe! Are you ready for wife 2.0” The countdown is on as we’re only days away until the due date. This anxiousness for the arrival of our new child is overwhelming for us. My wife is a couple weeks into her maternity leave and is loving it. And so am I! She joked about being wife 2.0 a few weeks back, and well she is iWife 5.0 in my books. With this anxiousness of the arrival of our son, she has been saying some even more random things lately. Unforuntately, I wasn’t around when she said this, but she told me the story a few times over.  She was hanging out with her mother, which probably means they were either cooking or shopping. Basically what mom and daughters do best. Just joking. I have no idea what they were doing together, but I do know that my lovely wife sought the advice of her mother. She was asking some questions about labour when she made slipped up and said something along the lines of; “I can’t wait for my bladder to break.” Her mom gracious corrected her mommy noobness and probably laughed a bit too. I heard about the story later that night and couldn’t wait to share it with the blogosphere. What a caring husband I am, I know.  There you have it pregnant ladies, go break your bladder. And when I say bladder I actually mean water.  Days away from being a real life DaddyNoob. Ah!!!! ———————————————————————————————————— Hey, if you got some time; follow my Facebook Fanpage. It will make you a better parent.
September 21, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #9 “Watch out babe! Are you ready for wife 2.0” Enjoy another post about the one liners I hear from my pregnant wife. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially my last one about how my wife informed me that; “you grow a baby in your belly but it’s not in your stomach.” Less than 48 hours ago, I was explaining to my wife that I am running out of content for my blog on the funny things she says. She laughed and gave a smirk that had “serves you right” all over it. I went to bed that night trying to remember anything she said lately that would fit, but nothing was working. I had no idea that only hours later, my wish would come true. In the morning, I woke up to my wife in full conversation with me. See, she gets up much earlier than me to get ready for work, and to help wake me from my hibernation, she usually takes the liberty of talking to me. Most of time I hear partial phrases and piece the rest together later in the day. I am sure the reason she talks to me while I’m awaking is so she can honestly say; “I already told you that.” Ha. Kidding. I hope… Anyway, yesterday there was one phrase that caught my attention immediately. She was talking about how it was her last day at work and how crazy it is that she is going to be starting maternity leave after work that day. Since I wasn’t talking or responding at all (because my eyes were still glued shut from sleep). She paused blow drying her hair, left the bathroom and said; “Watch out babe! Are you ready for wife 2.0” Ding! At the same moment laughter and opportunity took front stage in my mind. I realized that this was the randomness I was looking for. I asked her, what she meant by that, and she explained that even though she loved her job and co-workers, she is stoked to be a stay at home mom. I am very fortunate to have a wife that is excited and passionate to be a stay at home mom. She continued to inform me that she is going to be a wife 2.0 now that she has the time and energy to do the things she loves to do at home. It made me laugh that my wife used a tech term to describe her transition to motherhood, wow my geekness has rubbed off on her. I found this old internet joke about a wife 2.0 that I think fits perfectly, you can read the full article here or the excerpt below; Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0, and found that it is memory hungry, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product specification, brochures or documentation, although other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. To add to the dilemma, Wife 1.0 also installs itself in such a way that it is always launched when the system is initialized, where it can monitor ALL other system activity. In so doing he is finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). When installed, Wife 1.0 automatically attaches undesired plug-ins, such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brother-in-Law Beta 1.5 release. As a consequence, system performance seems to deteriorate with each passing day. Some features he’d like to see in the release of Wife 2.0 are: A “Don’t remind me again” button An install shield feature that allows wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to de-install at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources. A new life starts today with my wife 2.0, hopefully my system resources can handle it. Ha DaddyNoob
August 31, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #8 “Crazy, you grow a baby in your belly but it’s not in your stomach.”  Enjoy another post about the one liners I hear from my pregnant wife. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially my last one about how my wife explained pregnancy as; “It definitely feels like heartburn in my skin” Read it up. This weeks SMPWS is brought to you by the randomness of my preggo wife. While watching TV one night, my wife was feeling the baby kick with her hands. As she sat their in amazement of how active our baby is, we marvelled together at the journey so far. It has been a road of challenges getting to this place, but at that moment, feeling our child kick our hands, we new it was well worth it. In that perfect moment of thankfulness time stood still while we were in awe of the miracle of pregnancy. I always say to my wife, how amazing pregnancy is. It is such a miracle how this all happens, how a baby is growing inside of you. It’s almost alien-ish! We continued chatting about all of these profound mysteries that encircle pregnancy. During our time of awe, my wife also made a profound comment by saying; “It’s crazy, that you grow a baby in your belly but it’s not in your stomach.” I looked puzzled for a second, deciphering if this was a joke or for real. She was serious as a heart attack. I laughed and said; “that’s a good thing the baby isn’t in your stomach.” She followed up with explaining to me how logical her statement was. I wasn’t buying the rebuttal, and was already chalking it up as either a ‘blonde’ or ‘baby brain’ moment. My nature as a Daddy Noobness continued as I teased her for days about that comment. She would shake her head and remind that I have no idea. I needed a good mental smack every now and then to keep me humble. A couple days later, somewhere in one of the parent books or websites that I read, I stumbled across a diagram similar to the one you see here. The one I saw showed a before and during pregnancy comparison of where the organs are. I immediately noticed that the stomach was pushed up and squished. It was then, that it dawned on me, that yup my wife was right. It sure would feel like the baby was in your stomach, especially after seeing this diagram. Ooops! I noob’d that one. To confess, the sad part is I completely forgot to tell her after seeing the diagram that she isn’t crazy. Count this post as my confession of noobing.  From now on, I submit to the fact that whatever my hotness tells me about any feeling, characteristic, emotion, pain, craving or desire that is accompanied from being pregnant is 100% accurate. Some say, perception is reality. For my wife, I say reality is pregnancy. Therefore, my conclusion is simple as I do not have a mini me punch dancing inside my stomach, belly or wherever he is. I cannot relate or advise as that is ill regarded and futile, which is why pregnancy is that mystery that I will never know, but only experience as the perceiver.  Learning slowly as the DaddyNoob
August 25, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #7 “It definitely feels like heartburn in my skin.”  I’m at it again with another blog post about the one liners I hear from my pregnant wife. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially my last one where my wife asked me; if I ever wished I was was pregnant? Read it up. This weeks awesomeness came from a conversation I had with my wife where I asked; “How does it feel to be pregnant?” Now, I was doing my best to stay engaged during this stage of her pregnancy when I asked this question. I proudly asked her this during supper one night, with the intent of being thoughtful towards helping understand her journey of pregnancy. It seemed like a good starting point of what she was going through while pregnant. The answer she gave me without hesitation, was out of the ordinary. But, this noob has being taking notes. I have come to learn that the normal “expected” responses you would anticipate from before pregnancy is now the random “whatever I feel like” at that moment. This was one of those moments, where my wife informed me that how pregnancy is; “it definitely feels like heartburn in my skin.”  As, I was taken off guard by the Hannibal Lecter styled comment, of heartburn in my skin. I confirmed in my mind that was not the answer I was expecting. Followed with a slow head nod to show I heard her, but I had no idea what she meant. I was thinking more along the lines of; “it is tiring and uncomfortable, but babe you have no idea how truly remarkable it is to feel the baby kick, and blows my mind to think that a baby is brewing inside of me.” Nope, instead I got the heartburn skin warning. This was another learning experience for me the DaddyNoob. My wife clarified that she felt like her skin was burning as if it was going to rip off. Wow! My respect for her moved up another notch. Just the idea of my skin feeling extremely tight and burning, makes me want to dry heave. You know like cough and barf! Otherwise known as; “Carfing!” I learned an important lesson here. The comment that I initially thought was random, turns out to be completely sensible. The only thing random was that I didn’t expect my wife to share her physical effects of pregnancy. What a noob! So, all you pregnant ladies out there, I think you should say what my wife said whenever asked how you feel during your pregnancy. It will give a good reaction, especially if it someone you don’t know well and who knows maybe they will carf! The DaddyNoob lives on…
August 10, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #6 “Babe, do you ever wish you were pregnant?”  Welcome to another blog post. Once again you can enjoy the amusing conversations from my pregnant wife. This is not made up and is completely legit. Almost too legit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post… I am certain that I am not the only guy who has been asked this from his pregnant wife at some point. In hindsight it doesn’t seem like it’s that random of a question but during the moment it had randomness wrote all over it. We were talking about ordinary stuff while on a drive to visit some family. She had obviously been pondering this question for quite sometime. It came without warning when she paused dramatically in mid sentence, looked at me sincerely that grabbed my attention thinking this must be important. While she had one hand on her belly she asked; “Babe, do you ever wish you were pregnant?”  The sincerity remained in the short silence afterwards, reinforcing her seriousness to the question. There was a moment that I thought she might be serious, but I am sure I was already laughing inside before it came out of my mouth. I quickly replied with a confident; “NO, never!” The laughter followed my response. She was trying to convince me why it was a valid question and why she was certain I would’ve thought of it. With all honesty, I had never ever thought about being pregnant once in my life. Maybe just for the simple fact of me being I a guy. I don’t know, this is the difference between her and I, or maybe males and females. I don’t wonder about unattainable things like; if I was woman, if I was animal what would I be, if I had a million dollar shopping spree and especially if I were pregnant. Because if I were pregnant, I would have a lot of other significant concerns to think about. Ha. Oh, the joy of road trips with my preggo wife. She has the beautiful knack of making me laughing even when she’s not planning too.  So, am I on track guys, have you ever thought about being pregnant? Maybe I am the weird one. Which would be perfectly normal.  Hey guys, have you ever thought about being pregnant?
August 4, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #5 “You know, I think I’m ready for another boy!”  Welcome to another Friday blog post. Once again you can enjoy the amusing conversations from my pregnant wife. This is not made up and is completely legit. Almost too legit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post… Where should I start. Hmmm. A couple weeks back we visited some good friends of ours. We just chilled with them for the weekend; playing games, eating jalapeño poppers, wrestling with their two boys and staying up way too late. Good times. The best part is that my friend owns and operates a paintball business. Its a serious common bond we have as brosephs. I love paintball. Love to play and love to own people. Whenever I visit him, I just have to see the progress he has done on his epic courses. He has an amazing knack for creating elaborate maps of mayhem. So, obviously I had to go check out the place while I was in town. Now, I wasn’t alone on that. My wife, even though she is my “blondeshell”, she has a serious interest into most man activities. I guess she gives extra meaning to the mash up of blonde and bombshell. It is awesome and breathtaking when my wife would rather see the movie; Safe House than The Vow on Valentine’s Day. For Real. I have it real good.  Anyway, she was as stoked to visit the paintball course six months pregnant as I was. We got to see the progress as we toured around in their new Gator. My wife was right into it, asking my friend all about the obstacles on his new WWII Juno Beach course. She was nodding while listening intently as he spouted off a variety of military lingo. Meanwhile, I was falling more in love with my wife as she was deeply interested in everything paintball. We spent a few more hours there that day, seeing all the inner workings of the paintball biz. Best saturday ever. As we were driving back to our friends house we were chatting about our soon to be son and how we hope he will love the outdoors like we do. It was during this conversation that my prego wife blurted; “You know, I think I’m ready for another boy!”  I whipped my head to notice she had kept talking as if she didn’t realize what she said or that she was trying to pretend like it never happened. I couldn’t help but chuckle for a few seconds and follow by asking her; “Did you just hear what you said? You said, you think you’re ready for another boy. Babe, you haven’t had the first one yet! Ha!” She knew how ridiculous it sounded as well and laugh about it too. After a few moments of me repeatedly laughing and saying the phrase over, she felt the need to explain herself. She said; “I just think I like boys. It seems like I connect with boys better. They seem to be easier to take care of…” By this time, I was just finished laughing and could tell she was digging a deeper hole, so I finally said, “Maybe we better wait until we have the first one before we decide on that, who knows this boy could be a little mini crazy me.” She completely agreed, and was still baffled why she said that. But, I marked it off as another random thought from my pregnant wife. I really funny, random thought. Well if it was possible for anyone to start trying for another kid while they’re pregnant, I am sure we would. Ha. There you have it, another moment to mark down.  What do you think, is my wife right? Are boys easier than girls? Or does it all just depends… By the way, we would love to have a girl too… We aren’t basis just excited for our little manchild to arrive.   Laughing it up with the DaddyNoob
July 6, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #4 “Hey Babe! I am doing three things at once; driving, talking and being pregnant.”  It’s Friday again and that means its time for a new post of REAL conversations from my pregnant wife. Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post… Alrighty. Two weeks back we were travelling back to my wife’s home town in Saskatchewan, Canada and she graciously offered to drive for a leg of the trip. Without hesitation, I took her up on that offer, as the trek was almost nine hours of driving. Pause. For your knowledge, it is hard for me to even admit that my pregnant wife drove. Argh! Too much man pride! Ha.  Anyway, shortly after she took the wheel, my decision of tagging out was rewarded with this uber random comment; “Hey Babe! I am doing three things at once; driving, talking and being pregnant.” This randomness came when I was working on my laptop and half paying attention to my surroundings. You know that feeling when you zone out and it only takes one phrase to bring you back to earth. This was one of the moments. For a side note, if you have a spouse or a friend that seems to always zone you out. Do what I like to do and keep talking but throw something like; “and the aliens started sucking my brains out” right into the middle of a sentence. Usually this is random enough to grab their attention and open them to the reality that they weren’t listening to a word you were saying.  Back to the real story. I caught what my wife said right away. You could tell she was already trying to reel the words back in as if she never uttered them. I am sure I laughed for fifteen minutes after she said this. Of course I’m an incredibly sensitive husband and never teased her about this with my own parodies. Umm nope I did. She realized that this was going to go viral when I told her this is definitely going on my blog.  Good times. My pregnant wife is hilarious! For all of those expecting fathers let this be a lesson, when you think your wife is only doing one thing, add ‘being pregnant’ to the list. Learning lesson for the DaddyNoob
June 29, 2012 VIEW POST
Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #3 “Babe, can you just wear socks to bed?…at least for tonight.”  As per my Friday routine, here is another post of randomness from the conversations of my pregnant wife. This one happened more recently and I knew immediately that this would make for one funny post.  My wife has a most unique approach to sleeping that was acquired from her childhood. I like to call it; “cocooning.” It is a rare habit of wrapping oneself like a mummy with the covers. This method of sleeping allows for only your nose and eyes to be revealed from under the covers. For someone to maintain this sleep pattern all night, you must stuff the blankets firmly under yourself for ultimate security from your spouse. The end result is an oven of body heat and safe protection from the villain of sleep, sunshine. This fortress of sleep solitude has been perfected by my wife. It is her heavenly place. I am not exaggerating by any means, my wife looks forward to going to sleep. But, that is for another conversation… Ha.  Anyway. Now, that you understand my wife’s love for rest, you can see how this would be heighten with pregnancy. As of lately, her method of sleeping has added another dimension. She is extra warm during the night. Don’t worry it has nothing to do with the fact that she is wrapped like a burrito in her bed. She’s only warm because of the pregnancy, or at least I am told. Her solution to decrease body temperature is to kick the blankets off her feet and turn on the fan at warp speed. This allows for optimal sleeping conditions for my wife. As for me, not so optimal. I am substantially taller than my wife, which allows for most blankets to fit my length with little to spare. For the most part, I have been gracious to my wife’s “cocooning” but as of recently, it hit a limit. See, every night I have been tolerating her “cocooning,” but it became much harder to tolerate when after a week of freezing to death in bed. She would kick the covers off the bottom of the bed and I would wake up a couple hours later, having to pee my pants and sniffling because the fan was forming icicles on my toes. I would then try to pull the blankets back over my toes, but no such luck. She had those on lockdown. Finally, after a few weeks of this routine, I told her, she was freezing me out. She responded graciously with; “Babe, can you just wear socks to bed?…at least for tonight.” I laughed for a few moments, but understood, she was serious. Serious as a mummy.  How is your sleeping habits when you or your spouse is pregnant? Are you like me, and have suddenly noticed Fort Knox in your bed? Another night as the DaddyNoob 
June 22, 2012 VIEW POST