Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says #11 “Is there something hanging between my crotch!”
I know what you are thinking; "Didn’t your wife have a baby already?" The answer is yes! Today we celebrate four weeks of parenthood. Pretty much the best month of my life.
That being said, I wanted to post the last one liner I heard from my wife while she was pregnant. Remember, this is for real and not fabricated by any means. It’s basically too legit to quit! Go here to read previous Stuff My Pregnant Wife Says post, especially the last one where my wife told me; “I can’t wait for my bladder to break. Oops! I mean my water to break.”
Alright. Here we go. I can’t begin to tell you how many people have asked us to spill the beans on the delivery. The funny thing is none of these people who asked me are male. As a DaddyNoob, I completely understand. Nonetheless, there is a story to be told, and why not tell it to the world. Yes, I have the consent of MommyNoob.
Since I typically end up writing most of my posts late at night; like some zombie father. I apologize in advance if something doesn’t make sense. Okay? Good.
The night before BabyNoob showed up, my wife is in full nesting mode. Crazy random cleaning and such. I think I was in resting mode. Ha. Around nine that night she gently said; "Babe, I think you should start timing." I was in the other room (my design dojo) working on freelance work. Of course I ran out of the room and asked a bajillion times if she was for reals. That’s when the contractions began. They were over eight minutes apart and not very long. We were ecstatic. See the picture below of my wife right after she told me the news.
We waited about a hour before we called our Doula to inform her. She told us to get some sleep and keep her posted. Sleep was a good idea, but there was no way I was going to sleep. I had too much to do. Ha. I went to bed around 1am that night, and definitely slept better than my wife as she had minor contractions throughout the night. Around 7am they got more intense, or at least we thought they were intense then. Ha. Our Doula came over just before 10am and by then they were around three minutes apart. It was a gorgeous day outside, so we decided to go for a walk around the pond across our street. Walking sure does help and for my wife it was exactly what she needed to move the process forward. After thirty minutes of trying to walk between contractions the process was well underway. They were now ninety seconds apart lasting thirty second. We came home and that’s when MommyNoob’s back pain kicked into full force. The Doula and I tagged teamed massaging and applying pressure to her back during contractions. The ninjanuity of my wife was shown when she found a chair in our house to lean over during her contractions. This was where she stayed for the next three hours and later wished she had this chair at the hospital.
I gazed over to the microwave to reveal the digits; 1:50PM. By this point her pain was crazy and the contractions were well past the necessary waiting period. The Doula and I thought it was time to do this. Boom. We loaded up in the economy car and I drove it like I stole it. My wife was enduring the pain while in the backseat with our Doula, as I weaved in and out of traffic. To add to the element of recklessness, I grabbed my iPhone and snapped some shots of this moment. MommyNoob still had enough awareness to catch me and scold me for my disregard of our personal safety. Including the safety of the baby.
We entered the hospital anxious and excited. Upon check in, we were escorted to a public waiting room in the Women’s Specialty Unit. I overheard in the commotion that the nurse said that there were no rooms available. Apparently, this was the busiest week of the year for deliveries. Say what! Shut the front door. I rounded the corner to the waiting room, to see six chairs in a space no bigger than our bathroom. And only five of those chairs were available, as a burly man was sitting in one of them. This was the beginning of removing any personal privacy we had. My wife quickly leaned over a chair as she was contracting, while I massaged her back and our Doula coached her along. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, that I was literally inches away from this man. It dawned on me at that moment, that he felt a lot more awkward than I did. The look on his face was priceless.
Booyah! We got our own room by 3pm. After getting MommyNoob all setup in the room, the Doctor checked in and reported that she was dilated 3cm. It was reassuring for me, but discouraging for her. She wanted to be 7cm along. Over the next couple hours she was in extreme pain from the back labour. She tried some laughing gas and it didn’t go the best for her. The smell was producing the opposite results for her. The Doctor returned at 5:00ish and reported that she was at 4cm. This was heartbreaking for my wife, as the pain was unwavering from the back. After another half hour of bearing it, the nurse suggested some morphine. MommyNoob was very stubborn and didn’t want to do any narcotics, but she agreed to the lowest dosage. Immediately they administered the morphine to her, but within minutes the heart rate of the baby dropped drastically. It is possible it was linked to the morphine, but who knows. All I knew was that things were not looking good. A team of people were in the room accompanied with the Doctor staring at the screen. The suspense was nerve-racking.
The Doctor knew it was time to break her water as they had to do attach an internal heart rate monitor to the baby. After they did that, it took a good ten minutes before the heart rate stabilized. The Doctor reassured me that everything was okay now. Phew!
MommyNoob was frustrated and tired by this time. She was considering more morphine or even an epidural. The Doctor broke the news to me that they couldn’t administer an epidural to her, as we were not in the right area of the hospital. Since the hospital was so busy, we ended up in a patient care room, rather than a delivery room. Long story. I had to man up and tell my wife that there was no way she could get an epidural. She was not happy. Oh no. I tried the bait and switch move, and asked her if she needed to use the washroom. Hoping to get her mind off the lack of medication options. It worked. She got off the bed, stood up, and said; "Is there something hanging between my crotch?” I bursted out laughing. The doula was more gracious than I was by answering her; “Yes, it is the internal heart rate wire.” The doula and I thought this was the quote of the day… Oh man…
As the nurse took my wife to the bathroom, I stood just outside the door and took a breather. I was mentally preparing myself for another ten hours of this. It was the moment when a soldier has to say to himself; you got this, keep fighting. It was then that I heard a sound so unnatural to the sterile hospital surroundings. In the words of my wife; “It was as if I wildebeest took over my body and screamed from deep within me.” As for me, I was concerned that my wife was a mutant sent to kill me. I dashed into the bathroom to find the nurse yelling at her to get back to the bed now!
It was happening. The baby was coming now! MommyNoob got back to the bed just in time. Three contractions later, with the assistance of the doctors, I heard my son cry for the very first time. Boom. Only eleven minutes of pushing and BabyNoob felt like he was shot out of a canon into the world of awesomeness. I was able to cut the cord (even though I had to do it twice, as I was not expecting it to be as tough. Ha.) and my wife was able to stay very close to her birth plan.
BabyNoob was a rockstar, and he didn’t want to wait to enter our arms. My wife went from 4cm to baby born in just over an hour. It was cray cray, but in the best of ways.
There you have it. That’s our story of how BabyNoob was born.
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