You know you’re a DaddyNoob when… “you volunteer to go maternity clothes shopping with your preggo wife.”
If you want to read a previous “You know you’re a DaddyNoob when” go on over here. You can laugh at my expense.
It has been awhile since I have shared a story with you folks. I have a bunch of untold stories sitting in my draft folder waiting to be shared for some time now. This is one of those untold daddy noob stories from the second trimester.
Here we go… It was a rainy saturday that warranted no yard work, so we took advantage of the poor weather and went shopping for some maternity threads. And by “we” I most obviously mean my wife. She had been trying her hardest to hold off on shopping for preggo clothes as long as she could. Before you judge me, and think I am a tight wad that didn’t support her to buy new clothes for only a few months of time. I completely did! For reals! I even had to tell her to do it.
This is the deal, my amazing wife has to be one of the most frugal people I have ever met. Her mom jokes about how she can shop for two hours with the cart full, but when it comes to checkout, she has convinced herself to not buy a thing. I like to call it the; "department store punk out." It’s as if she is a closet illusionist that uses her scocery to instantaneously vanish all items within her cart only steps before the cash register. Pow! "Look babe, we can go, I don’t need anything. Plus it was way too expensive."
Now, please understand I am not at all complaining about her supernatural ability to resist the urge to splurge. It is admirable and amazing for the budget. What is difficult to understand is all of the wasted hours spent perusing aisles when the end goal is the same. Warning husband rant alert. Please skip now, if you can’t handle rants.
This is why I do not enjoy bulk or giant retail stores. I utterly despise those places. I am certain I get depressed walking the aisles of them. I have a ten minute lifespan, after ten minutes I become the Hulk. Uncontrollable anger overtakes me and I have to go to the $5 DVD bin to suppress it. My wife loves them, not for their products or ambience, but for their ability to coax you into a browsing trance. Giant retail stores are the “other” running track for women. You go there to do laps around the store with absolutely no desire to buy anything outside of socks or laundry detergent. These retail giants are not evil, and to be fair they can even inspire you. Like for me, all I can think about is if I had millions of dollars I would buy one and invited all my friends over to play paintball in it. Imagine destroying everything inside, in the most epic mil-sim game of all time. Now that I am done barfing my unedited thoughts about the biggest retails store in the world, I want you to know that if you work there. Its okay, I still think your rad. I just might not visit you at work for more than ten minutes.
Anyway. Now, that I have wasted your reading time by five more minutes, let me get back to my story. My wife and I headed out to do some overdue maternity clothes shopping for her. She needed some new work threads, as she was getting select on her dressy items. We went to two malls, a handful of boutiques, and numerous secondhand stores. We ended up at a consignment store for maternity clothes. It was a quaint place that has an incredible reputation among preggos. As I waited holding clothes and reassuring her that she looked great, it happened.
The illusionist made her grand appearance.
Within minutes we were leaving the store with only a couple items in hand for the expecting baby. After almost five hours of shopping we ended no where closer than when we started. It felt like we were shopping for eternity not maternity. Especially since my lifespan is calculated in minutes not hours. This was a huge learning moment for me the Daddy Noob; do not assume maternity shopping is the same as underwear shopping for myself. It is much more complex and delicate. The balancing of pregnancy emotions combined with uber patience is for a select few guys who are able to withstand. I was not one of those guys. On our way home, I said unfiltered; "just stop being cheap and go buy whatever you need from whatever store you want for whatever it costs. I am sure that is a better deal than me spending a Saturday in misery." Yup, I said that. What a noob I am. I went all Hulk on my pregnant wife and I gave her the thumbs up to spend whatever. Dangerous words.
Needless to say, my wife did find the clothes she needed, the next day, without me. Hmmm. It is safe to say, the problem could have been the Daddy Noob.
Am I the only guy who epic failed at this? Let me know…
Clueless as the DaddyNoob